a little less depressed today.

*knocks on wood*

but seriously, i'm feeling almost optimistic about things. ok, i thought about it for a few minutes, nevermind, the anxiety is back. i've gotten more comfortable in my identity. everything makes sense now. the dysphoria's been really bad, but i think i feel better now than i did pre-acceptance. i need some time before i tell a few people, but i came out to my older sibling last week and she took it well. (...much better than the first time i came out as trans). she's still kind of weird about it sometimes, but not in a hurtful way anymore. coming out is scary, because i don't want to lose the few people that i actually feel comfortable around, but i'm trying not to stress to much about it.

on the other hand, i was on a writing spree a few days ago. for me, anyway (which means i ACTUALLY wrote more than a page). it's nothing serious yet, just fanfiction, but i'm starting to get back into a routine. this weekend, i want to start writing this story i had planned out. i haven't gotten to the point where i'm enjoying the process yet. i'm not reading much. i started sons and lovers a while back, but i'm not even past the introduction. i borrowed this giant high-fantasy book from my aunt last time we visited, not sure how i feel about it. and i also picked up Salem's Lot on wednesday; i absolutely hated the first stephen king book i ever read (the one about the nine year old in the forest), but this one is about vampires and i've been told that it's good, so i'm giving him another chance. it's not bad so far, but the writing style is like unsalted crackers.

whoever made chemistry a requirement to graduate high school needs to pay for their sins. my class is four units in and i still don't know what the fuck is going on. flunked the last test and now i'm failing. the problem is that the guy i sit next to is not only smart as hell, but he already took chemistry several times in his home country or something. i've just been kind of sitting there during group work. everything was fine until the last test, and i think our teacher might've said something to him, because now he's actually talking to me and giving me questions to do. it's not too bad at times, because his voice is kind of attractive. but i still hate feeling stupid.

i found a pattern on tumblr for a battle jacket for your blahaj. measured and cut out the pieces last night, and i might sew it today if i feel up to it. i need to finish painting those patches i started last month and make some more for the jacket. might include a picture of the finished product if i come back to this.