yet another sulkfest.

so i'm feeling extra suicidal right now and i always leave my normal diary at home, so you're going to have to deal with me like this today.

things have been tough. college is kicking my ass, and i always end up sleeping in class rather than doing the work, then wasting my entire time off catching up. i'm trying not to fail this semester, because i can barely recover after the last one. the school i attend sort of looks like a prison and definitely feels like one. the administration is shit. i graduate this time next year and i can't fucking wait.

is it normal to feel like you're behind? i know i'm only seventeen, and some people don't figure out they're trans until well into their adulthood, and technically i've KNOWN, i've just denied it for a few years. every other trans guy i know has been out since i've known them, look way more masculine than me, and seem pretty comfortable in themselves. i don't even know how to come out; i don't talk, so it would be weird if i brought it up. i'm so tired of getting misgendered. all i want is be seen as a boy.

i don't know if it's a symptom of my medication or not, but i've been sleeping almost constantly lately. i wake up late, take naps during my classes, take naps between classes, take a nap when i get home, and go to sleep early (or stay up 'til four, nothing in between). i had an appointment yesterday and my therapist is upping my meds, which better fucking help. it was a really bad appointment (aren't they all?).

good news is i get a haircut tomorrow. i haven't had one since November, and i'm definitely going to get something different. right now my hair is past my ears, and my bangs go to my nose. i haven't had it this long since i started chopping it all off. i'm thinking of getting it pretty much shaven in the back and on the sides, and leaving a couple of inches on top. i'm worried that my face will look too feminine with no bangs, but at least i'll be practically bald. i would absolutely only have my hair long if i looked more masculine, and i'll grow it out once i go on hormones.