manic street preaching

every time i find a new album, it takes forever for me to actually listen to it, but as soon as i do it's all i'll have on for the next two weeks. and i'm almost always listening to music. unless my mp3 player died.

but anyway, on monday morning of this week, i listened to the holy bible by the manic street preachers. and then i proceeded to loop it for the entire duration of the school day. then i came home and painted some manic street preachers patches while watching videos about the band (of herbs and altars' video about richey edward's dissapearance was good). the good news is, i found a new favorite band. the bad news is, the holy bible might not be the best thing to listen to when you're in the depths of a depressive episode.

i felt almost as awful as i did back in november, the last time i attempted suicide. my life had only gotten shittier and shitter as i got older, so what was the point of sticking around? everyone says adulthood is hell. it's not like all my problems would just go away. and what if i wasn't able to move out and got stuck in the closet forever? it's not like i was doing much with my fucking miserable life anyway-- when i'm not sleeping, i'm binging and purging. might as well die before everyone finds out, while they still love me. the music was comforting of course (can't listen to my favorite albums when i'm dead, you know?), but i think it might've made me feel worse.

i feel better right now. i came out to one of my parents in an argument and she didn't take it well, but i didn't get disowned, so overall the best case scenario happened. obviously, knowing that i don't have to be in the closet anymore is comforting. i don't even feel like ending it all today. *knocks on wood*. things are still not great though. my twin is sick as hell.